If you would look at yourself through the eyes of people who surround you – your friends, work colleagues, your partner, what would you see?
Would you see a woman who is happy, confident, looks like she’s got it all under control and has a pretty good, comfortable life? From outside everything seems great but how does she really feel inside?
For most of my adult life, I felt “okay”. When someone asked me how I was, my answer was always “okay”. For people around me, it was a good answer – she is okay – it’s better than being not okay, right? But to me it felt like my life was steady, boring and average, there was something missing but I didn’t know what it was. Can you relate?
I wanted to change but I had no idea why or what it was like to feel different than that. Now I know that I was disconnected from myself and my emotions, I couldn’t feel real happiness or excitement. I’d created this wall around me to protect myself. People have seen me as a confident, cold-hearted, funny but sarcastic and painfully honest largely because I was oblivious to the feelings of others because I was so out of tune with my own.
“So much of what holds us back in life is the long-held resentments
stemming from childhood.”
Gabrielle Bernstein, Miracles Now
Growing up my life consisted of drunken arguments and constant drama with the adults I looked up too. Whilst my parents divorced when I was 5, my new stepdad was an alcoholic just like my father. Alcohol came first and as the only child, I came last. I thought that was normal until my little sister came along and everyone’s focus went to her. At 12 years old, struggling with the onset of puberty, I felt even more confused that I didn’t get the love and attention I needed.
As a teenager, I was battling with very low self-esteem (which carried to adulthood), loneliness and suicidal thoughts. I enjoyed attending extra classes at school and the time I had away from my toxic home environment but soon the care of my little sister was passed to me as the adults got caught up with their own problems. Later I found solace in the Church but my prayers for a new life went unanswered and I lost hope. I felt even more alone and against spirituality altogether.
I spent my years after college trying to escape my home as much as I could. I filled my time with work, friends, partying and searching for someone who would silence this annoying feeling of emptiness inside of me. I pretended to be a cool, collected young woman who certainly didn’t need love to make her happy. But underneath I doubted if I could be loved just as I was. I’d never felt that before so instead I busied myself creating meaningless relationships with men that were unable to give me the love I was really seeking.
At the age of 22, my life turned upside down again, when I moved permanently to Manchester. I found myself in a completely different country and culture, with no friends, starting my life again.
You learn who you are by unlearning who they taught you to be.
Past 7 years was for me like a rollercoaster. I went through the times of sadness and loneliness. I thought I was over everything that happened in my past and once I find a job I’d love and a perfect man everything will be fine. But no matter what I was trying to do or how many men I dated I felt out of place, I didn’t quite fit in, people didn’t understand me and thought that I was weird or quirky. But I didn’t want to be different! I wanted to fit in! Is it not how we get the love and acceptance, by being like everyone else? It felt lonely, I was struggling with anxiety and episodes of depression, I had no idea what my next step suppose to be.
But I also rebuilt my life. I’ve made new friendships. I’ve rebuilt my confidence and worked my way up from being a temporary, agency staff to be a respected and successful employer of an international company. I was able to visit some amazing places, experienced things that as a teenager I never imagined I would be able to. I realised that I am responsible for my own happiness and took on a task of recovering from my childhood traumas. I read tons of books, attended one on one therapy and various support groups. And it all took me to a place where I suppose to be.
End of 2016 was especially challenging. As much as I enjoyed my job I still had this feeling that there is something more I meant to be doing in my life. I knew there are people I meant to be helping. And as they say, “When the student is ready the teacher appears” I found “The Universe has your back” by Gabby Bernstein.
I decided to finally give meditation a go and after a few days of meditation and other exercises from the book, I started feeling much calmer, relaxed and happier. My self-love journey began. I hired my own coach and decided I was only available for the life that felt good to me.
Since then I have dug deep into my limiting beliefs finding their roots in my childhood trauma. I have reconnected with my inner child and become the loving parent she never felt she had. I learnt the powerful tool of forgiveness not only to myself but others too. Daily I make the choice of love over fear.
I was astounded to discover I was warm, caring and really sensitive. I realised this wall I’d build had been to protect myself from my experiences in early life. But in blocking out pain, I was blocking out love too.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
Do you feel like you lost something in life? Was your childhood more about caring for others than your needs but nobody seems to care about it? Do you feel like there is something more you should be doing in your life? Are you ready to finally embrace your weirdness and quirkiness?
You can’t change the past but you can change the way how you feel about it and by being committed and taking action towards it you CAN have a happy life!
Why don’t you book a call with me to see how I can help?
December 29, 2017 - Uncategorized